Today I'm suffering a feeling of fear and self loathing. I have been trying to find a job and at the same time I've been feeling like I should wait until we move and get situated into whatever our new living arrangements are going to be. I've been feeling like I'm failing my kids and my husband by being so negative recently and so down about everything that's going on. Most of all I've been feeling desperately lonely but unsure how to reach out, or who to reach out to. I've also been feeling a personality change in myself, my anxiety is back bigger than before and I fell almost switched off. Every day is getting harder and harder to try and figure out and it's so dumb because I know it's all in my head. It's all just me worrying and obsessing and mentaly beating myself up for everything...that is the part that's the worst. I mean, how do you escape from that? The power of positive thinking had me living the best most carefree life I'd ever experienced last fall and through a series of events I feel like whatever happened in my brain that had me just happy about life and the possibilities and my children just stopped. Now I'm just a train wreck. This is terrifying because I don't know how to move on. How do I get back my zest for life and my outgoing fun-loving personality? I have no idea. I just know that I need to stop this pain, this anxiety. I need to laugh more and play more. I also need to figure out what we're going to do, where we're going to live and I need to stop being so hard on myself.

my baby is a velocarapter!!

Okay, so Gage now is the proud bearer of 6 teeth, 4 on top, two on bottom. He's worked hard for these teeth getting a fever and really grouchy each time a new one came in and he has recently started biting the spoon when I'm trying to feed him which is cute and irritating all at the same time.


So yesterday was kind of a rough day home with Gage, he's just been really fussy and clingy recently and just always wants to be held which can be a little frusterating when you're trying to maintain some form of cleanliness in the house so that your husband doesn't come home from working a long 12 hour day to look around and say, "what exactly did you do all day?" He's wonderful though, if the house isn't clean, which it usually isn't, he doesn't mind. So yesterday I was definitely a little tired and a little irritated with Gage and it was time to go and get the brothers from school. I got him loaded into the car seat and I accidentally pinched him a little bit when I was trying to get him buckled. He was upset and started screaming. Me, being a big baby just handed him the bottle and said, you're fine. Where's my mother of the year trophy? I left it in my other pants that day...Anyways, I climbed in the front seat and drove us to the school when I went to get him out of the back seat, I found his bottle, looking like this...



I guess I need to work harder to make sure that I don't piss him off lest he turn those chompers on me!

Thankfully he got my pain tolerance!

Jeremiah and I went to the doctor today to get his cast put on. Not very eventful but for some reason I was completely grossed out when they took off the splint and ace bandage that had been wrapped around his broken arm. It wasn't like there was bone sticking through the skin and it was only slightly bruised...I think it was just knowing that it was broken and that he was moving it...it just gave me the heebie jeebies! At the same time it made him laugh hysterically watching me twitch so he got more into it making me twitch more, the little snot! I am just glad however that this happened to Jeremiah because, well, he's bionic. He hasn't wanted to take the tylenol with codeine they gave him for pain and he doesn't even want to take the IBProfin. Yep, he's a real trooper! He selected black for his cast color after much consideration and was shocked when the nurse told him that a lot of teenage boys get PINK casts! Apparently it's some kind of skate boarding company that has pink logos and I'm sure they see plenty of skateboarders that get injured I guess the whole thing makes sense. I don't know how I feel about the whole boys wearing pink thing....I guess that makes me old fashioned?

life sucks

So last night Cody came downstairs and said that Jeremiah's wrist was bothering him. Since nothing had injured him earlier we didn't thin anything of it. Eric took an ice pack upstairs and got him settled. We watched a movie and went to bed. Then, apparentlly while I was sleeping Eric was woken up not once, but twice to Jeremiah crying about his wrist. I woke up this morning to learn that Eric took Jeremiah to the hospital last night and that he actually broke his wrist by falling off the bunk bed last night. He's a real trooper....he doesn't seem to be bothered by it at all. He's wrapped up, in a charlie brown sling, and is getting a cast in the next few days...that is...if the freakin' dr. calls me back...ugh!

if at first you don't succeed....

Well, seeing as it has been forever since I've posted anything on here, and posting on here is something that I used to really enjoy and now as I've been home for so long the post pardem depression is finally catching up to me, or maybe it's just regular depression. Either way, having been home this long and just being with kids day in and day out has finally caught up with me and so as part of my plan for not getting swallowed whole I've decided to make sure I start posting again on here, among other things.

I went to my graduation fair yesterday, got paperwork all filled out and got my "graduation gift" from the staff there at DeVry. Not very impressive, a water bottle with the DeVry and Keller logos and a very cheap plastic desk calculator...kind of depressing considering I had to buy my cap and gown, I had to buy my announcements and I've taken out over 50k in student loans...and I get like a $5 gift....very annoying. I also had a person telling me I'd have a better chance of getting a job if I went ahead and started my graduate coursework through Keller. Ha! I won't even consider taking out even more student loans until I manage to at least get employed! I was so excited about graduation, thinking that now I'll be able to apply for all kinds of jobs previously unavailable to me. As my previous job hunting experiences always had me finding jobs that I was completely qualified for except for having a bachelors degree. This time around seems to not be the case. I find that very few jobs actually require a bachelor's degree and those that do require like 10 years experience! UGH!! Well, I signed up for career placement assistance with DeVry so hopefully they'll be able to get me a job soon! For sanity's sake! After all, there's only so much bacon and friend chicken a girl can consume to forget her Woes!

Oh well...I guess we shall see how that goes. Other news, we're taking the kids to cub scout camp tomorrow in which we'll be shooting bb guns and bows and arrows...I suppose I had some kind of freaky death wish when I agreed to this because I don't know about you, but Miah with a weapon is a little scary...although I could be flashing back to taking him fishing a couple of years ago, that was a near death experience for sure!

Soccer season has ended and I've been looking for the next sport to sign the kids up for, I found summer flag football, but I think I might keep looking until I find swimming leasons or something like that.

Other news, Eric got me a Wii for mother's day...it's AWESOME!! We've got a few games, one of them is called "game party 2" and Eric and I have like a nightly duel! It has darts: 301, 501, cricket. It also has ski ball, shuffle board, beer pong, and lawn darts. It's so much fun! We get really into the darts especially and it's nice because you don't have to stand and you don't have to be worried about hitting someone at the bar when the darts go off target. Also, the drinks are cheaper, and we can smoke! All around good evening entertainment for the likes of us.

Gage isn't walking yet, he likes standing up a lot but hasn't really seemed to interested in the whole concept of walking. I think I'm going to get him one of those upright push-n-walk toys but we'll see how that goes. He has four top teeth now and two bottomw teeth and he's become extremely klingy. I thin this is part of my sudden urge to find a job ASAP. I can't get anything done because Gage wants to be held all day, if I don't hold him, he sits, and he screams...not pleasant.

Cody is about the same as usual. Just chilling, he's my fairly low maintenance child and sometimes that's what I love about him the most. Although he is fairly sensitive to people who hurt his feelings he has gotten much, much better about not having an emotional breakdown when someone or something inflicts a tiny measure of pain.

Miah is as squirrely as ever. I think his recent behavior has been so appalling it's actually made my head spin around on my shoulders. Okay, maybe not that bad, but we've had a family meeting, made a whole family rules list, car rules list, punishments list and still, the child behaves in a way that is just so difficult to handle.

Jeremiah: LA DA DA DA DA DA (as loud as possible)
Me: Miah, no screaming in the car remeber, that's one of the rules....this is your warning okay?
him: oh, yeah ok.
<<<>>>>
Jeremiah: cody....cody.....CODYCODYCODYCODYCODY (LOUD)
me: jeremiah, I asked you to stop yelling in the car, that's a quarter in the jar tonight
miah: oh, I wasn't yelling...
me: yes, yes you were, and I'm not going to argue about this...

and on, and on, and on, he had 5....count 'em 5 warnings on the way to school and it's only a 15 minute drive! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Okay, I know I'm being childish and whiny right now but I think that I have the right considering the my seven year old still acts like a two year old. I know a lot of it isn't necessarily his fault, and could have a lot to do with his ADHD but somehow that just makes it so much more frusterating because it makes it seem like there's no hope for him to do better. I know he tries bless his heart but man, I don't know if we're going to even make it to the teenage years, much less survive them at this point. Okay so that's definitely being melodramatic but like I said, I've been whiny so that's gonna go hand in hand with melodramatic!

Eric is doing well despite frustrations with his job and I personally think he should receive saint points for his patience in dealing with me during the recent happenings. Lets just say nuerotic (and whiny!) would be a good way to describe my demeanor. His frusteration with his job comes from the fact that they were told with the new contract his company got on shriever and peterson air force bases that they'd be working 55 hour weeks for the next six months and then he got his check and it was for 38 hours, they're taking all kinds of extra time off their checks....not cool. Plus since they're going straight to the job site and not going to the shop to clock in it makes it more difficult for Eric to have any way to prove that he should be getting more money on his paycheck....double trouble.

As for me, I'm trying to stay positive, stay on top of the laundry and stay sane. Wish me luck!!