Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Today I'm suffering a feeling of fear and self loathing. I have been trying to find a job and at the same time I've been feeling like I should wait until we move and get situated into whatever our new living arrangements are going to be. I've been feeling like I'm failing my kids and my husband by being so negative recently and so down about everything that's going on. Most of all I've been feeling desperately lonely but unsure how to reach out, or who to reach out to. I've also been feeling a personality change in myself, my anxiety is back bigger than before and I fell almost switched off. Every day is getting harder and harder to try and figure out and it's so dumb because I know it's all in my head. It's all just me worrying and obsessing and mentaly beating myself up for everything...that is the part that's the worst. I mean, how do you escape from that? The power of positive thinking had me living the best most carefree life I'd ever experienced last fall and through a series of events I feel like whatever happened in my brain that had me just happy about life and the possibilities and my children just stopped. Now I'm just a train wreck. This is terrifying because I don't know how to move on. How do I get back my zest for life and my outgoing fun-loving personality? I have no idea. I just know that I need to stop this pain, this anxiety. I need to laugh more and play more. I also need to figure out what we're going to do, where we're going to live and I need to stop being so hard on myself.


  1. I am going through a little bit of the same. It is interesting being in Clearwater. There are 37 of us trying to get jobs. A little over half have jobs as of yesterday. I am not one of those people. We are all trying to trust that God is going to provide, but it is harder on some than others. I'm not quite stressed out about it yet, because I trust that Christ will provide the right job for me. Today i have a call to make that I believe will work out. I am praying. We will know in a few hours if I am employed. I am trying to be a strength for my friends as well. Many of us are running out of ideas, because the economy in Clearwater just isn't as it has been in past years on past projects. I do hope things go well with you. You can always call me if it is at all helpful. I know i spoke a lot about myself in this comment, but I just wanted to relate.

  2. Thanks, it's always nice to here that I'm not alone in this emotional struggle...


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