I have had a revelation...a mental explosion if you will~! It all started with me driving by this Gangsta' green expedition I'm in love with. I started thinking, "why do I love this truck so much?" I've never wanted an SUV and usually, I would make fun of someone driving a truck like that...so why does it fill me with joy? *(it really does!)* and I realized it's because it's fun and different and I love things that are fun and different. Then I started thinking about why it took me so long to realize that I liked it...I mean you should just know how something makes you feel the first time you see it, right? Then I started thinking about my "clone" (described in previous post) and why I feel like she's such a kindred spirit...why do I feel like she's so much like me? I think it was her love of christmas and her absolute adoration of "shiny" things! I TOO LOVE SHINY THINGS!! In one of her blogs she explains that for a wedding she was in she was instructed 1)get the dress in david's bridal cornflower blue and 2)don't buy anything to wear that makes you look like a disco ball...then she goes on to explain how she's fairly certain that she's the only one who recieved the second instruction ;~)
As you can tell by what you're reading I'm at a very introspective place at this time in my life, trying to sort through things...But what I came to understand was *****LIGHT BULB MOMENT******* I have become a drone. The way that I meet people is that I find out what they like and how they feel about certain things and then I assimilate into them. I'm sure it has to do with moving so often that I just wanted people to LIKE me...I just wanted friends. I realized that I'm a very sensitive person so it's easier to go along with what they think, feel, like then have any kind of contradictory opinion that could cause someone to say something negative to me. When you worry like that you internalize everything and you think constantly about how people are perceiving your behavior Once I've been doing that then I started becoming overly critical of others peoples behavior because of what I assumed other people would be thinking. I'd gotten to the point where I lost myself completely. I got anxious in all social situations, I'd have to do drugs or drink to get to where I wasn't worried about what everyone thought about every move that I made...I couldn't have fun sober because I couldn't just be me.
I have been so blessed recently in my life because 3 1/2 years ago I met three of the most wonderful, talented, beautiful perfect friends a girl could ever ask for. They've held me when I've cried, picked me up when I fell down, and kissed me when I felt fat and ugly....we are kindred spirits and we help eachother fly. Because of the friendship they've given me, they've enabled me to find myself again. So, this is who I am:
I LOVE pretty things, I love things that are colorful, I love neon and bright! I love antiques and things that are unique and special, even if it's not special to me. I love well behaved children and I love helping the ones who are strugggling. I love doggy kisses. I love pillows..there should be tons always. I love my family and how it's made up of people I'm related to and people I'm just lucky enough to have found along the way. I love baby grins and fat baby cheeks! I'm super sensitive and cry a lot, but it's OKAY! I like hot pink, punk, pirate costumes and I totally got pink skull temporary tattoos to wear with it!!
I hate coffee but love bottled vanilla frappachino's. I like sugar free kool aid better than regular kool aid. I try to eat healthfully but LOVE fried chicken!! I don't really like chocolate but every once in a while...I get cravings.
I love cooking for people and I like people to tell me I did a good job. I need reassurance from the people around me that they aren't going to leave. I have trust issues. I love my friends. I like glitter shiny flavored roll on lip gloss as much as a 6 year old girl does. I really was sad I didn't have a little girl. I hate that I didn't understand half of what I do now about babies back when I had Jeremiah and Cody because I could have skipped so much self loathing it's not even funny. I hate that I did drugs and hurt the people that I loved. I hate that I get SO angry over stupid things sometimes. I hate how it feels to be sad. I hate crying. I hate having anxiety attacks. I hate my house being dirty.
I love having a beautiful environment and being surrounded by pretty things. I'm a girly girl. I love going to museums. I LOVE TO LEARN!! I like thinking about things and understanding the way things work and why and who and how??? I love imagining about the past and how life was like. I like knowing what my family near and far is up to. I worry about my neice and nephew and that their passion for learning is going to be squelched if I don't blow on the coals of their little fires. I love that my son has the confidence that I never did!! I was so proud of him today...it's picture day and he wanted to comb his hair in a side part (think 1950's) I told him he looked like a dork. He said he liked it better that way and that was that. I have never had that courage. The courage to say tough shit, I like it this way and it's MY hair!! I've never had the courage to be different but have always secretly wished I could. I'm SO PROUD of him.
I try to always tell my kids everytime they do something that wow's me, that makes me proud of them, and I try to explain things to them so they better understand the world around them and so they don't make the mistakes that I did. I want to be a better parent and I want to make sure I tell my kids I love them every day.
I guess that's all for know....I just feel like a door to this whole new world was just found and I stumbled through it and things are going to only get better now that I can really be me because it's okay!!!! It's so exciting I'm shaking. (oh yeah, I tend to be overly enthusiastic when I get excited too!!)
Thank you to all the friends that held my hand, threw me over their shoulders and otherwise assisted with me finally getting past all the crap and figuring this out. I love you SO much and I want you guys to know you're my sisters. Forever. There's nothing we won't be able to work through. Thank you to my hubby whose been my best friend since we met. And thank you to my boys for teaching me more than I could ever teach you. Lastly thank you to Gage who made me the best mommy I could be and for sleeping long enough to let this pour out of me.
Oh yeah...a final note. Gage tried solids today for the first time!! Peaches!! He was not a fan, but he had fun playing the "I'll spit it out and mommy will scoop it back in again" game....oh well...you can't win 'em all!